probably all my life i've been experiencing homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i've attempted suicide too many times, and I'm constantly restraining myself with all the energy i have to not commit homicide. my psychiatrist found out about this a few years ago, but i've since told him that those thoughts are gone, but they're not, they're just getting stronger, but if he knew, he'd have to increase my anti-psychosis medication, and that stuff makes me feel like crap.
i feel terrible. i picture in my head what it'll be like once i actually kill someone. i'm not sure, but i feel like it may happen one day. i'm going to get to the point where i'm too tired to stop myself, and i'm just going to do it. and then my whole life will be over.
there have been times where i've hit people, and tried to hurt them. but that's as far as i've ever gone.
i'm not even sure it's really me. it's ghoe. it's always ghoe. i don't do these things. i watch them happen. if someone could please get rid of him, that'd be great!
these thoughts terrify me, but i don't want to tell anyone. so i guess i'll just post it on the internet...
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