on 16.12.14
it's crazy how we all live in societies and praise gods and leaders that teach love and acceptance, and things like this continue to happen everyday all around the world. christians, muslims, jews: we were all one religion at some point, we all still praise the god of abraham, the only difference is that we chose to follow a different person to teach us about our god. we all live in one planet, we all desire one thing: to live a good life and be with our creator after our time here is over. i don't understand why things like this happen. it makes me so angry. are these people so invested in satan that they want to make their and everyone's lives miserable? are they forced to do this by a single evil body? these people don't deserve their freedom of movement, they deserve to be locked up in a prison cell for the rest of their lives. and when i say life, i actually mean until the day they die, not the 20-25 years that is considered "life" in australia. the people that have died in the last day from the situation in sydney, someone in there could have been someone who one day will change the world, ended all of this. i don't even know what to say anymore, this whole thing makes zero sense at all. i can only conclude with that some people are idiots and this picture my mum shared on facebook :)
on 18.9.14
hello people of the internet! so basically this morning i had an anxiety attack, but it was worse than usual...it turned into some psychotic breakdown, ripped out some [a lot] of my hair and yeah, we needed to fix it up. so my mum's friend, who is amazing, fit me in and she fixed my hair up, it's super short, but i love it. i still have a bald patch, but i can cover it.
it looks almost the same as it did from the front because i always tied my hair back, but it feels amazing lol.
it looks almost the same as it did from the front because i always tied my hair back, but it feels amazing lol.
hello people of the internet! so the sims 4 came out last thursday (i got the collector's edition, i ordered the strategy guide, but it probably won't come until tomorrow) and i began playing it without realizing i was going to start blogging about it all. i was going to reset the game, but i like where i'm at so i'm going to start here.
so these are the sims i'm currently playing with:
their names are chase green and james halpern. they got married yesterday so chase changed her name.
so these are the sims i'm currently playing with:
their names are chase green and james halpern. they got married yesterday so chase changed her name.
they also just tried for a baby last time i played. so hopefully they have a baby soon!
this is also the house they're living in - built by me!
i've perfected the house since these photos were taken, if you have a good eye you'll notice a kitchen counter in the master bedroom! there's also three empty bedrooms because there's gonna be kids there, and i just thought i'd build the house as i'd eventually need it to be to save some time.
this game is amazing! even though it's got heaps of simple stuff missing, i like it so much more than i do sims 3!!!
- peace! :)
p.s.: if you play, you can follow me at MusicIsLife9797 !!!
on 30.8.14
the wait is almost over! on september 4, i will be the proud owner of the sims 4 collector's edition! i know in north america it's released on september 2, but technically it's only one day when you consider time zones. but i'm so exited!
there's been heaps of crap being talked about the fact that there will be no pools, no toddlers, and loading screens between places, but honestly, it's not bothering me, i've waited for this game for over a year, and i've been obsessed with the whole "franchise" forever.
a few days ago, i had a problem. the system requirements for the sims 4 were released...and oh crap. in my mind, i thought they had released the minimum system requirements and my computer didn't meet those requirements - i'd already paid for the game and everything - but after a few days of sheer panic and frustration, i worked everything out, and my computer meets the system requirements! even a computer less powerful than mine will be able to handle the game, so i'm just ecstatic!
i downloaded the create a sim demo when it was released, and i've made many sims. i've even created the whole house m.d. cast from season 1-8 (i'm obsessed with house, i watch it almost everyday - seen every episode at lease 2-3 times). i also created myself, who will be the sim that i play the game with.
i might do something with the sims 4, put some of my game online or something...idk. i'll do something. in the sims 3, i've been playing one game for the past 3 years and have 11 generations, if i'm going to do the same for the sims 4 i think i want to show you guys!
i'm so excited for this!!!! it just looks so amazing!
on 23.8.14
i was diagnosed with aspergers in may 2011, i was 13 years old. after i was diagnosed and learned more about it there's so many things that make so much more sense now.
until i was about 12 i'd block my ears in many situations. when bathroom hand-dryers were on, in the car, walking past a busy road, walking past construction, and just anything loud. when i was really young i'd even block my ears when i sneezed, coughed, or yawned.
i could never make friends. no matter how hard i tried, friends would never come. i've had probably one friend throughout kindergarten, primary school, and high school, but even she probably hated me for the most part, we were family friends. when i was in grade one, someone in my class did something that put the whole class into hysterics, it was hilarious. one day, a similar situation presented itself, so i decided to make the same joke, and i was made fun of. i swear i didn't do anything differently. i'd ask to play with someone, and then they'd tell me i'm being rude, i swear i'm acting the same as everyone else! eventually i just wanted to be alone. when i was seven i found some imaginary friends, and i still have those imaginary friends. they're real people, they don't look like anyone in particular, but they never excluded me, because they basically were me.
i live in a totally different world. my coping mechanism for life if not living in the real world. i have a whole different life, different friends, no family. it's not a perfect life, i have had some terrible experiences and times in that life, this makes it more realistic. this life is very time consuming, because obviously i can't get anything from this life done when i'm living a different life, because that'd confuse everything. i'd be a lot more productive without it, but then again, i probably wouldn't be alive without it.
i'm obsessed with medicine and random facts about anything. i'm on verge of memorizing all the arteries in the human body. i can name all the muscles, bones, organs. i'm obsessed with disease, especially cancer. i can tell you almost anything about cancer. i can tell you a lot about things to do with the human body. i know the exact treatment procedures for over forty different cancers for people of different ages, grading, and expectations. i can properly read CBC test results, i can name all the types of blood cells, and all the types of blood cells within blood cells, and so on. i'd love to be an oncologist, but the only problem is...i SUCK at math. so i'm going to settle for a clinical psychologist, still diagnosing and treating people, just less messy and a lot easier.
i'm antisocial. i don't like people. if i had the choice, i'd never speak to a person again. if i was put into solitary confinement in prison, it'd be a reward, not a punishment. it's not a personal thing, i do like people for who they are, i think people are friendly and easy to be around, but i'd prefer to not be around anybody, ever. in fact, we have two families at our house right now, and instead of being with my friends i'm sitting in my room writing this.
i'm a person of habit. diagnosed with OCD, but a lot of aspies have this. everything has to stay the same. i have to always use the exact same brand and model of pens, everything has to be perfectly neat. i get everything done all the time so it's all consistent. i do things at the same time everyday, i eat the same things. i do the same subjects every year. it's tough for me to add something new into my schedule. it makes me very uneasy.
i'm too anxious and scared. i was diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety disorder in 2006, at age 8 after developing a fear of food which resulted in hospitalization and treatment for kidney infection and sepsis blood infection. food basically made me pass out. that fear hasn't totally gone away, it's gotten better since i started taking sertraline in 2011. since the hospitalization, my diet became very limited. i've always had a fear of vomiting. i don't like chicken because chicken causes more food poisoning than any other meat. i stopped eating all fruit because i became allergic to kiwi which made my face blow up and made me vomit a few times. i went without fruit for 4 years until i decided to eat an apple one day. slowly i've gotten more confident with food, and i can now eat apples, bananas, sultanas, grapes, strawberries, apricots, pineapple, blueberries, blackberries, blackcurrants, raspberries, watermelon, and cantaloupe. though i'm still terrified of vomiting, i've sort of realized that many things won't actually make me sick.
i annoy myself. i'm not sure this is an aspie thing, because i've never actually heard of this. as much as people annoy the crap out of me, i annoy myself just as much. i cannot stand the sound of me chewing, it makes me want to rip out my teeth, and i cannot stand the sound of my breathing. i'm not a loud breather, thank goodness, but because i've had a cold for the past 11 weeks, and every other time i have a cold, i get so dang annoyed at my heavy and whistling breathing, so much i can't sleep.
there's a lot more things, but this thing is already super long, so yeah. bye!
until i was about 12 i'd block my ears in many situations. when bathroom hand-dryers were on, in the car, walking past a busy road, walking past construction, and just anything loud. when i was really young i'd even block my ears when i sneezed, coughed, or yawned.
i could never make friends. no matter how hard i tried, friends would never come. i've had probably one friend throughout kindergarten, primary school, and high school, but even she probably hated me for the most part, we were family friends. when i was in grade one, someone in my class did something that put the whole class into hysterics, it was hilarious. one day, a similar situation presented itself, so i decided to make the same joke, and i was made fun of. i swear i didn't do anything differently. i'd ask to play with someone, and then they'd tell me i'm being rude, i swear i'm acting the same as everyone else! eventually i just wanted to be alone. when i was seven i found some imaginary friends, and i still have those imaginary friends. they're real people, they don't look like anyone in particular, but they never excluded me, because they basically were me.
i live in a totally different world. my coping mechanism for life if not living in the real world. i have a whole different life, different friends, no family. it's not a perfect life, i have had some terrible experiences and times in that life, this makes it more realistic. this life is very time consuming, because obviously i can't get anything from this life done when i'm living a different life, because that'd confuse everything. i'd be a lot more productive without it, but then again, i probably wouldn't be alive without it.
i'm obsessed with medicine and random facts about anything. i'm on verge of memorizing all the arteries in the human body. i can name all the muscles, bones, organs. i'm obsessed with disease, especially cancer. i can tell you almost anything about cancer. i can tell you a lot about things to do with the human body. i know the exact treatment procedures for over forty different cancers for people of different ages, grading, and expectations. i can properly read CBC test results, i can name all the types of blood cells, and all the types of blood cells within blood cells, and so on. i'd love to be an oncologist, but the only problem is...i SUCK at math. so i'm going to settle for a clinical psychologist, still diagnosing and treating people, just less messy and a lot easier.
i'm antisocial. i don't like people. if i had the choice, i'd never speak to a person again. if i was put into solitary confinement in prison, it'd be a reward, not a punishment. it's not a personal thing, i do like people for who they are, i think people are friendly and easy to be around, but i'd prefer to not be around anybody, ever. in fact, we have two families at our house right now, and instead of being with my friends i'm sitting in my room writing this.
i'm a person of habit. diagnosed with OCD, but a lot of aspies have this. everything has to stay the same. i have to always use the exact same brand and model of pens, everything has to be perfectly neat. i get everything done all the time so it's all consistent. i do things at the same time everyday, i eat the same things. i do the same subjects every year. it's tough for me to add something new into my schedule. it makes me very uneasy.
i'm too anxious and scared. i was diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety disorder in 2006, at age 8 after developing a fear of food which resulted in hospitalization and treatment for kidney infection and sepsis blood infection. food basically made me pass out. that fear hasn't totally gone away, it's gotten better since i started taking sertraline in 2011. since the hospitalization, my diet became very limited. i've always had a fear of vomiting. i don't like chicken because chicken causes more food poisoning than any other meat. i stopped eating all fruit because i became allergic to kiwi which made my face blow up and made me vomit a few times. i went without fruit for 4 years until i decided to eat an apple one day. slowly i've gotten more confident with food, and i can now eat apples, bananas, sultanas, grapes, strawberries, apricots, pineapple, blueberries, blackberries, blackcurrants, raspberries, watermelon, and cantaloupe. though i'm still terrified of vomiting, i've sort of realized that many things won't actually make me sick.
i annoy myself. i'm not sure this is an aspie thing, because i've never actually heard of this. as much as people annoy the crap out of me, i annoy myself just as much. i cannot stand the sound of me chewing, it makes me want to rip out my teeth, and i cannot stand the sound of my breathing. i'm not a loud breather, thank goodness, but because i've had a cold for the past 11 weeks, and every other time i have a cold, i get so dang annoyed at my heavy and whistling breathing, so much i can't sleep.
there's a lot more things, but this thing is already super long, so yeah. bye!
on 19.7.14
i'm gonna begin with the cliche "gays", because i just wanna get this over and done with. people think "coming out" is a big deal. but why? straight people don't come out. it's 2014, what happened to equality?! people don't need to know who you like, people shouldn't care who you like. i also hate it when people say "gay people are always nice to everyone" and "gay people are awesome"... what is it exactly that makes them "awesome"? is it the fact that they like to have sex with people who have the same bits in between their legs, because that's the only difference.
so many people think that because someone doesn't do something their way, it's wrong. but why is that person wrong? probably because they're introverted, smaller, or just a target. if someone wants to wear makeup half an inch thick - let them! it's their body, they can do what they want with it. people go around saying "be yourslef [blah blah blah blah blah]", and then they judge someone for wearing this shirt that they just happen to like, causing them to stop wearing it, meaning they're not totally being themselves. i've seen people being judged for a piece of thread hanging off their shirt, like, WHAT?!
what is really normal though?
so many people think that because someone doesn't do something their way, it's wrong. but why is that person wrong? probably because they're introverted, smaller, or just a target. if someone wants to wear makeup half an inch thick - let them! it's their body, they can do what they want with it. people go around saying "be yourslef [blah blah blah blah blah]", and then they judge someone for wearing this shirt that they just happen to like, causing them to stop wearing it, meaning they're not totally being themselves. i've seen people being judged for a piece of thread hanging off their shirt, like, WHAT?!
what is really normal though?
on 12.7.14
the winter holidays have finished so fast. this sucks. my parents and brothers have been in thailand, while i decided to stay home, so i'm living with my nan...fun. she's generally cool, but extremely annoying. first of all she drags me around to all her little commitments. today's the first day in 6 days where i've actually been home, for the past 6 days i've literally been out from 11 AM to midnight. my holidays are WASTED. last week she crashed into my dad's car, which is always fun, and yesterday i had to go to the hospital for an appointment and the hospital is in parkville, it took 90 minutes to get there (usually takes an hour), because she didn't trust her GPS. then after the appointment it literally took 5 hours to get from parkville to carlton, when it should take 15 minutes at the most. i swear she has alzheimer's because she was saying that we've only been in the car for 10 minutes for the whole 5 hours, and she was literally driving in circles, claiming that she's never been on that street for 5 hours straight. then it took another 2 hours to get home because we were caught in the dead middle of peak hour traffic.
i have school on monday, which i'm dreading. i've literally been doing homework all holidays, i'm actually doing homework right now (apart from writing this). holidays are meant to be a break from school, but i seriously do just as much work, not to mention daymap (student portal thing) never works on weekends or holidays, even though people need it more on the weekends and holidays. so i'm not sure if i'm finished all my homework since i wasn't at school on the last day.
i just can't wait to leave school. 15 more months and i'm freeeeeee!
i have school on monday, which i'm dreading. i've literally been doing homework all holidays, i'm actually doing homework right now (apart from writing this). holidays are meant to be a break from school, but i seriously do just as much work, not to mention daymap (student portal thing) never works on weekends or holidays, even though people need it more on the weekends and holidays. so i'm not sure if i'm finished all my homework since i wasn't at school on the last day.
i just can't wait to leave school. 15 more months and i'm freeeeeee!
on 28.6.14
it's finally winter holidays! the past few weeks have been so slow with exams 3 weeks ago, and then just waiting for these dang holidays after exams. i got my report back and i've averaged A in english lanugage, B- in maths, A+ in religion & society, B in legal studies, B in music performance, and A- in psychology! yes! i did a lot better than i thought i did. but i got an E- in music for one performance because apparently i was singing in a completely different key to what i was playing on my guitar (probably caused my them nerves), but my teacher also said that i kept perfect tone and pitch throughout the entire song despite the fact i was playing guitar in a different key, and if i was playing in the same key i was singing i'd get an A+, but she gave me an E-, that i don't think i deserve. she also said that it's a "rare" talent to be able to do that without training, yet i was literally 2 marks from failing.
i got a new phone case yesterday...POKEMON!
i got a new phone case yesterday...POKEMON!
i've been sick all week with no voice. i had a sore throat on thursday and friday, it went to my head on saturday and sunday, and on monday i felt perfectly fine...until i started talking and nothing came out! i still don't have a voice and it's been 6 days. i went to the doctor on wednesday and he said i have chronic laryngitis, and it won't last longer than a week. so i'm expecting to wake up tomorrow with a voice. i've never lost my voice like this before. the first time i ever lost my voice was at the beginning of this year, and it was barely for a day. weird.
but i'm so glad it's holidays! and i'm most exited for next friday, because my family go to thailand for 12 days and i'm not going! and i'm seeing les miserables at her majesty's theater on july 9! so exited!
on 14.6.14
for as long as i can remember i've basically only had nightmares. my subconscious seems to think it's fun to terrorize me in my sleep, making me despise half the people in my life because of how they were involved in these nightmares.
i have 3 recurring nightmares. the first i'm in a basement with 2 other girls, and there's these nuns that check on us all the time, but we have to be sleeping or they'll attack us. so every time we hear someone come down the stairs we lie on the floor, because there's no furniture. the second i'm in england (weird because i live in australia), but i have this massive gun, and there's all these people that i know and i just shoot them. i think i've killed everyone that i could possible think of by now. the third i had last night, it's kind of the same as the first one, but i'm at my home, and these people come to our house, but i have to hide. my dad always lets them in. for some reason the dreams have made me despise my dad.
i often wonder whether this is caused by my schizo brain or something. i'm terrified during my dreams, but when i wake up, even after shooting and killing those close to me, i just don't care.
i remember when i was really young, i'd always have this dream that i was with the wiggles, and there was this massive hairy monster that was chasing us, and we were in some mario brothers setting, really weird, but i was sort of obsessed with the wiggles back in the day.
i have 3 recurring nightmares. the first i'm in a basement with 2 other girls, and there's these nuns that check on us all the time, but we have to be sleeping or they'll attack us. so every time we hear someone come down the stairs we lie on the floor, because there's no furniture. the second i'm in england (weird because i live in australia), but i have this massive gun, and there's all these people that i know and i just shoot them. i think i've killed everyone that i could possible think of by now. the third i had last night, it's kind of the same as the first one, but i'm at my home, and these people come to our house, but i have to hide. my dad always lets them in. for some reason the dreams have made me despise my dad.
i often wonder whether this is caused by my schizo brain or something. i'm terrified during my dreams, but when i wake up, even after shooting and killing those close to me, i just don't care.
i remember when i was really young, i'd always have this dream that i was with the wiggles, and there was this massive hairy monster that was chasing us, and we were in some mario brothers setting, really weird, but i was sort of obsessed with the wiggles back in the day.
on 26.5.14
so i seem to have had a really bad day today. first period i had legal studies and i had an outcome, which went really well, but we got our marks back from the last outcome and i got 40%! which means a re-submission is required. i failed because of lack of detail. it was expected, so it wasn't that bad, but i've redone it and i'm going to hand it in as a draft tomorrow just to be on the safe side. but my teacher kept me in for the entire recess, which sucked because i didn't get to eat so i had to resort to eating in math class in period 2.
then period 3 came along...i had religion & society. my teacher is a priest who is probably the least priest-like person you'll ever meet. he's rude and constantly tell me and my 2 friends in that class that he hates us. so i had an outcome due today in r&s, it was on personal religious experience (something that i'm very passionate about) and it came out to be 4,398 words...yup. my teacher didn't accept this. i've cut it down to 1,850 words, but i can't do anything more than that, but my teacher won't accept that either. on the criteria sheet it said minimum 1,200 words, but kids in my class were doing 1,300 words and he was still saying that it was too much. HE DIDN'T FREAKING SPECIFY ANY MAXIMUM WORD LIMIT HOW WAS I MEANT TO KNOW?! he's basically asking for exactly 1,200 words. i can't possibly do that, so i've just re-submitted it as 1,850 words. i literally tried so hard and put so much effort into that, and then i'm told i have to remove 1/3 of it. his reason for not wanting more than 1,200 words was because he can't be bothered reading them all. YOU'RE A TEACHER IT'S YOUR JOB!!! but apparently he's a taxi driver on the weekends too...and an ex-cia member...priest, teacher, taxi driver, cia...hmm
so basically today i failed one outcome because of too little detail, and i failed another because of too much detail. my r&s teacher is a little idiot.
on 18.5.14
i've been researching, and everything says that you can't develop a long-term memory before the age of 3. but i can remember from 18 months, when my brother was born. i remember standing at my mum's hospital bed, and she gave me a new baby doll, and i was feeding it with a bottle. my 2 aunts and nan were also there.
i have 4 memories before i turned 3. the first one was when my brother was born, the second one was a computer screensaver which was a monkey, the third one was taking my aunt to the airport when she moved to england, and the fourth one was when we were on a holiday in yarrawonga and i was decorating and holding up a poster that said "we miss you julie! [my aunt]" and getting my photo taken with it to send to her in england.
but i've also heard that you don't remember things from that original time, but when you remember something, you're remembering the last time you remembered that thing. so was that just something i thought about often?
i have 4 memories before i turned 3. the first one was when my brother was born, the second one was a computer screensaver which was a monkey, the third one was taking my aunt to the airport when she moved to england, and the fourth one was when we were on a holiday in yarrawonga and i was decorating and holding up a poster that said "we miss you julie! [my aunt]" and getting my photo taken with it to send to her in england.
but i've also heard that you don't remember things from that original time, but when you remember something, you're remembering the last time you remembered that thing. so was that just something i thought about often?
on 17.5.14
i've always had trust issues. i've never really become "attached" to another person. i don't honestly consider people friends. i don't think any of my "friends" like me, they probably don't - better safe than sorry. i'd rather sit in my bedroom alone all day instead of going to the movies with people, because i know i'll just be a burden. i know i annoy everyone, and i know i can't help it. i'd never trust somebody to keep a secret. i'd never trust somebody to not talk about me behind my back.
i wonder if i'll ever find a person who i can actually call a friend?
i wonder if i'll ever find a person who i can actually call a friend?
on 29.4.14
so lately i just can't be bothered. and by lately, i mean in the past year. the only difference is that i have to put effort into school this year, last year i barely tried, barely did my homework. i even failed english both semesters. i have a homework/study schedule, but i decided not to do anything tonight, because there wasn't anything urgent, and i only had a few hours of sleep last night because i was trying to chase a dang mouse out of my room until 1 am (we're infested!), and then i lay in my bed all night being all paranoid and "seeing" mice everywhere. i even saw them in mid-air at time...stupid brain!
my family are annoying the crap out of me, as always. we're always fighting. and my brothers are literally the most annoying little idiots to walk the planet that won't leave me alone even if i hit a plate across their head (that actually happened once). i feel like i'm just not happy.
but what is making me happy is that my aunt/god mother had a baby! i have a new little cousin, this would be my 6th cousin on my mum's side (we don't really see my dad's side). my mum's family are very, very close. we see each other almost everyday, and always on the weekends for lunch and dinner. my cousins are like my siblings, but i actually like them because they're all 7-16 years younger than me, so basically they view me as an adult. they also play nice so when i babysit them, i'll let them stay up late. haha!!!
my family are annoying the crap out of me, as always. we're always fighting. and my brothers are literally the most annoying little idiots to walk the planet that won't leave me alone even if i hit a plate across their head (that actually happened once). i feel like i'm just not happy.
but what is making me happy is that my aunt/god mother had a baby! i have a new little cousin, this would be my 6th cousin on my mum's side (we don't really see my dad's side). my mum's family are very, very close. we see each other almost everyday, and always on the weekends for lunch and dinner. my cousins are like my siblings, but i actually like them because they're all 7-16 years younger than me, so basically they view me as an adult. they also play nice so when i babysit them, i'll let them stay up late. haha!!!
on 21.4.14
so i'm going back to school tomorrow after autumn break. the problem is...i barely got a holiday. i literally spent the majority of everyday doing homework. i can't seem to understand why we spend 7-8 hours a day at a school doing school work, then our teachers give us 3-4 hours of homework to do that night, and 10 hours of homework over the weekend, and at least 3 hours per day of homework to do on the holidays. ihe holidays are meant to be a break from homework and school work, yet we do just as much!!!
on 17.4.14
probably all my life i've been experiencing homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i've attempted suicide too many times, and I'm constantly restraining myself with all the energy i have to not commit homicide. my psychiatrist found out about this a few years ago, but i've since told him that those thoughts are gone, but they're not, they're just getting stronger, but if he knew, he'd have to increase my anti-psychosis medication, and that stuff makes me feel like crap.
i feel terrible. i picture in my head what it'll be like once i actually kill someone. i'm not sure, but i feel like it may happen one day. i'm going to get to the point where i'm too tired to stop myself, and i'm just going to do it. and then my whole life will be over.
there have been times where i've hit people, and tried to hurt them. but that's as far as i've ever gone.
i'm not even sure it's really me. it's ghoe. it's always ghoe. i don't do these things. i watch them happen. if someone could please get rid of him, that'd be great!
these thoughts terrify me, but i don't want to tell anyone. so i guess i'll just post it on the internet...
i feel terrible. i picture in my head what it'll be like once i actually kill someone. i'm not sure, but i feel like it may happen one day. i'm going to get to the point where i'm too tired to stop myself, and i'm just going to do it. and then my whole life will be over.
there have been times where i've hit people, and tried to hurt them. but that's as far as i've ever gone.
i'm not even sure it's really me. it's ghoe. it's always ghoe. i don't do these things. i watch them happen. if someone could please get rid of him, that'd be great!
these thoughts terrify me, but i don't want to tell anyone. so i guess i'll just post it on the internet...
on 24.3.14
this is a topic i've thought about a lot. when people find out i have aspergers, or even just hear the word. the assume i don't feel empathy or sympathy. this may be the case for some people, but honestly, i just don't know how to express empathy and sympathy in words and actions.
for example:
when my great nanna passed and my parents told me. i kinda said a really fake "aww". i was devastated, and i wasn't in shock because we'd all been preparing for it for around a year (she had ovarian cancer). i didn't really cry either, i have no idea why.
for example:
when my great nanna passed and my parents told me. i kinda said a really fake "aww". i was devastated, and i wasn't in shock because we'd all been preparing for it for around a year (she had ovarian cancer). i didn't really cry either, i have no idea why.
so, quick post before i go to school.
i have this necklace of saint dymphna, she's the patron saint of those with mental illness (and i seem to have a bit of that). i always take it off at night because it bothers be when i lay down, and in the morning i [usually] put it back on.
there have been a few odd occasions where i've forgotten to put it on. when i have panic or anxiety attacks,
or i feel like i'm about to go into a [psychotic] fit, i'll hold the necklace and pray to her. but when i don't wear the necklace, it's terrible. i feel almost like i'm going to die.
most people i talk to think i'm just obsessive and i'm having another panic attack because i'm not wearing something that i always wear. but i believe it's her and the lord comforting me.
i've been struggling with faith for over a year now, though i haven't stopped fully believing, it sucks. but there are just little things that give me just a little more proof that christ is standing right next to me.
i have this necklace of saint dymphna, she's the patron saint of those with mental illness (and i seem to have a bit of that). i always take it off at night because it bothers be when i lay down, and in the morning i [usually] put it back on.
 |
| awkward photo of me because i don't [usually] take photos of me! |
there have been a few odd occasions where i've forgotten to put it on. when i have panic or anxiety attacks,
or i feel like i'm about to go into a [psychotic] fit, i'll hold the necklace and pray to her. but when i don't wear the necklace, it's terrible. i feel almost like i'm going to die.
most people i talk to think i'm just obsessive and i'm having another panic attack because i'm not wearing something that i always wear. but i believe it's her and the lord comforting me.
i've been struggling with faith for over a year now, though i haven't stopped fully believing, it sucks. but there are just little things that give me just a little more proof that christ is standing right next to me.
on 23.3.14
so the other day i quit my job. i had a part-time job at some small, family owned grocery store as a cashieer. it was kinda terrible. mainly because of all the people i had to deal with, it just made me feel so unsafe! so i worked up the nerve to tell my parents (after i quit).
i've never really felt so relieved, like, ever. now i can focus on school.
i've never really felt so relieved, like, ever. now i can focus on school.
on 9.3.14
first posts are awkward. like. i don't know what to write, and then i begin rambling. i'm first going to start of with: i have no idea how to use this site. i've been using tumblr for around two years, and i'd create a new blog whenever i really felt like it. i've probably had around ten tumblr blogs since i started using the site. but i decided i need something new. tumblr is full of photos of people with no clothes on anyway, no matter who you follow.
so i have aspergers syndrome. i was diagnosed in may 2011, when i was thirteen and a half years old. it all came to be when i attempted suicide (not my first, and not my last) and people found out, the school found out, they told my parents, they forced my parents to take me to a psychiatrist. i went to this psychiatrist a few times before he told me that i have aspergers. i didn't really know what it was, i knew there was this guy at my school with it and he and i were nothing alike, i didn't think we had the same thing. but then he told me aspergers in males affect their behavior more, and girls their mental processes. but some characteristics are often seen in both girls and boys. so i guess there's a completely different diagnostic criteria for boys and girls. i was also diagnosed with undifferentiated psychosis and undifferentiated neurosis, because i have a habit of hallucinating, delusions, being sad, being obsessive, being hyperactive, and having intense mood swings that make me both suicidal and homicidal.
eventually i was being set up for disability care, teacher aids in school, and all my teachers started treating me differently. some got meaner, some got nicer, some avoided me more, and some treated me like i always need help with the work. which i did, but i never got that help in the past.
i'm still seeing the same doctor that diagnosed me. i liked it at first, but now walking into that hospital is like hell. because i just know how the next hour is going to go: i tell him how my past couple weeks have been since i've seen him, talk about how i suck at school and how i have so many ambitions but the victorian school system is pure crap so it's so much harder to live up to those ambitions, and then the hour is over.
i was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder and depression when i was eight years in april 2006 after basically panicking and depressing myself into an almost-dead stage. i was in hospital for about a week being pumped with electrolytes, iv nutrients, antibiotics, and also had a ng tube down my throat. i still have anxiety and panic attacks everyday, and i'm still extremely depressed.
so that's my diagnosis story. have a nice day :)
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