so lately i just can't be bothered. and by lately, i mean in the past year. the only difference is that i have to put effort into school this year, last year i barely tried, barely did my homework. i even failed english both semesters. i have a homework/study schedule, but i decided not to do anything tonight, because there wasn't anything urgent, and i only had a few hours of sleep last night because i was trying to chase a dang mouse out of my room until 1 am (we're infested!), and then i lay in my bed all night being all paranoid and "seeing" mice everywhere. i even saw them in mid-air at time...stupid brain!
my family are annoying the crap out of me, as always. we're always fighting. and my brothers are literally the most annoying little idiots to walk the planet that won't leave me alone even if i hit a plate across their head (that actually happened once). i feel like i'm just not happy.
but what is making me happy is that my aunt/god mother had a baby! i have a new little cousin, this would be my 6th cousin on my mum's side (we don't really see my dad's side). my mum's family are very, very close. we see each other almost everyday, and always on the weekends for lunch and dinner. my cousins are like my siblings, but i actually like them because they're all 7-16 years younger than me, so basically they view me as an adult. they also play nice so when i babysit them, i'll let them stay up late. haha!!!
so i'm going back to school tomorrow after autumn break. the problem is...i barely got a holiday. i literally spent the majority of everyday doing homework. i can't seem to understand why we spend 7-8 hours a day at a school doing school work, then our teachers give us 3-4 hours of homework to do that night, and 10 hours of homework over the weekend, and at least 3 hours per day of homework to do on the holidays. ihe holidays are meant to be a break from homework and school work, yet we do just as much!!!
probably all my life i've been experiencing homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i've attempted suicide too many times, and I'm constantly restraining myself with all the energy i have to not commit homicide. my psychiatrist found out about this a few years ago, but i've since told him that those thoughts are gone, but they're not, they're just getting stronger, but if he knew, he'd have to increase my anti-psychosis medication, and that stuff makes me feel like crap.
i feel terrible. i picture in my head what it'll be like once i actually kill someone. i'm not sure, but i feel like it may happen one day. i'm going to get to the point where i'm too tired to stop myself, and i'm just going to do it. and then my whole life will be over.
there have been times where i've hit people, and tried to hurt them. but that's as far as i've ever gone.
i'm not even sure it's really me. it's ghoe. it's always ghoe. i don't do these things. i watch them happen. if someone could please get rid of him, that'd be great!
these thoughts terrify me, but i don't want to tell anyone. so i guess i'll just post it on the internet...
i feel terrible. i picture in my head what it'll be like once i actually kill someone. i'm not sure, but i feel like it may happen one day. i'm going to get to the point where i'm too tired to stop myself, and i'm just going to do it. and then my whole life will be over.
there have been times where i've hit people, and tried to hurt them. but that's as far as i've ever gone.
i'm not even sure it's really me. it's ghoe. it's always ghoe. i don't do these things. i watch them happen. if someone could please get rid of him, that'd be great!
these thoughts terrify me, but i don't want to tell anyone. so i guess i'll just post it on the internet...
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