how i know i have aspergers.

i was diagnosed with aspergers in may 2011, i was 13 years old. after i was diagnosed and learned more about it there's so many things that make so much more sense now.

until i was about 12 i'd block my ears in many situations. when bathroom hand-dryers were on, in the car, walking past a busy road, walking past construction, and just anything loud. when i was really young i'd even block my ears when i sneezed, coughed, or yawned.

i could never make friends. no matter how hard i tried, friends would never come. i've had probably one friend throughout kindergarten, primary school, and high school, but even she probably hated me for the most part, we were family friends. when i was in grade one, someone in my class did something that put the whole class into hysterics, it was hilarious. one day, a similar situation presented itself, so i decided to make the same joke, and i was made fun of. i swear i didn't do anything differently. i'd ask to play with someone, and then they'd tell me i'm being rude, i swear i'm acting the same as everyone else! eventually i just wanted to be alone. when i was seven i found some imaginary friends, and i still have those imaginary friends. they're real people, they don't look like anyone in particular, but they never excluded me, because they basically were me.

i live in a totally different world. my coping mechanism for life if not living in the real world. i have a whole different life, different friends, no family. it's not a perfect life, i have had some terrible experiences and times in that life, this makes it more realistic. this life is very time consuming, because obviously i can't get anything from this life done when i'm living a different life, because that'd confuse everything. i'd be a lot more productive without it, but then again, i probably wouldn't be alive without it.

i'm obsessed with medicine and random facts about anything. i'm on verge of memorizing all the arteries in the human body. i can name all the muscles, bones, organs. i'm obsessed with disease, especially cancer. i can tell you almost anything about cancer. i can tell you a lot about things to do with the human body. i know the exact treatment procedures for over forty different cancers for people of different ages, grading, and expectations. i can properly read CBC test results, i can name all the types of blood cells, and all the types of blood cells within blood cells, and so on. i'd love to be an oncologist, but the only problem is...i SUCK at math. so i'm going to settle for a clinical psychologist, still diagnosing and treating people, just less messy and a lot easier.

i'm antisocial. i don't like people. if i had the choice, i'd never speak to a person again. if i was put into solitary confinement in prison, it'd be a reward, not a punishment. it's not a personal thing, i do like people for who they are, i think people are friendly and easy to be around, but i'd prefer to not be around anybody, ever. in fact, we have two families at our house right now, and instead of being with my friends i'm sitting in my room writing this.

i'm a person of habit. diagnosed with OCD, but a lot of aspies have this. everything has to stay the same. i have to always use the exact same brand and model of pens, everything has to be perfectly neat. i get everything done all the time so it's all consistent. i do things at the same time everyday, i eat the same things. i do the same subjects every year. it's tough for me to add something new into my schedule. it makes me very uneasy.

i'm too anxious and scared. i was diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety disorder in 2006, at age 8 after developing a fear of food which resulted in hospitalization and treatment for kidney infection and sepsis blood infection. food basically made me pass out. that fear hasn't totally gone away, it's gotten better since i started taking sertraline in 2011. since the hospitalization, my diet became very limited. i've always had a fear of vomiting. i don't like chicken because chicken causes more food poisoning than any other meat. i stopped eating all fruit because i became allergic to kiwi which made my face blow up and made me vomit a few times. i went without fruit for 4 years until i decided to eat an apple one day. slowly i've gotten more confident with food, and i can now eat apples, bananas, sultanas, grapes, strawberries, apricots, pineapple, blueberries, blackberries, blackcurrants, raspberries, watermelon, and cantaloupe. though i'm still terrified of vomiting, i've sort of realized that many things won't actually make me sick.

i annoy myself. i'm not sure this is an aspie thing, because i've never actually heard of this. as much as people annoy the crap out of me, i annoy myself just as much. i cannot stand the sound of me chewing, it makes me want to rip out my teeth, and i cannot stand the sound of my breathing. i'm not a loud breather, thank goodness, but because i've had a cold for the past 11 weeks, and every other time i have a cold, i get so dang annoyed at my heavy and whistling breathing, so much i can't sleep.

there's a lot more things, but this thing is already super long, so yeah. bye!

there's nothing wrong with that!

i'm gonna begin with the cliche "gays", because i just wanna get this over and done with. people think "coming out" is a big deal. but why? straight people don't come out. it's 2014, what happened to equality?! people don't need to know who you like, people shouldn't care who you like. i also hate it when people say "gay people are always nice to everyone" and "gay people are awesome"... what is it exactly that makes them "awesome"? is it the fact that they like to have sex with people who have the same bits in between their legs, because that's the only difference.

so many people think that because someone doesn't do something their way, it's wrong. but why is that person wrong? probably because they're introverted, smaller, or just a target. if someone wants to wear makeup half an inch thick - let them! it's their body, they can do what they want with it. people go around saying "be yourslef [blah blah blah blah blah]", and then they judge someone for wearing this shirt that they just happen to like, causing them to stop wearing it, meaning they're not totally being themselves. i've seen people being judged for a piece of thread hanging off their shirt, like, WHAT?!

what is really normal though?

goodbye holidays.

the winter holidays have finished so fast. this sucks. my parents and brothers have been in thailand, while i decided to stay home, so i'm living with my nan...fun. she's generally cool, but extremely annoying. first of all she drags me around to all her little commitments. today's the first day in 6 days where i've actually been home, for the past 6 days i've literally been out from 11 AM to midnight. my holidays are WASTED. last week she crashed into my dad's car, which is always fun, and yesterday i had to go to the hospital for an appointment and the hospital is in parkville, it took 90 minutes to get there (usually takes an hour), because she didn't trust her GPS. then after the appointment it literally took 5 hours to get from parkville to carlton, when it should take 15 minutes at the most. i swear she has alzheimer's because she was saying that we've only been in the car for 10 minutes for the whole 5 hours, and she was literally driving in circles, claiming that she's never been on that street for 5 hours straight. then it took another 2 hours to get home because we were caught in the dead middle of peak hour traffic.

i have school on monday, which i'm dreading. i've literally been doing homework all holidays, i'm actually doing homework right now (apart from writing this). holidays are meant to be a break from school, but i seriously do just as much work, not to mention daymap (student portal thing) never works on weekends or holidays, even though people need it more on the weekends and holidays. so i'm not sure if i'm finished all my homework since i wasn't at school on the last day.

i just can't wait to leave school. 15 more months and i'm freeeeeee!

holidays!

it's finally winter holidays! the past few weeks have been so slow with exams 3 weeks ago, and then just waiting for these dang holidays after exams. i got my report back and i've averaged A in english lanugage, B- in maths, A+ in religion & society, B in legal studies, B in music performance, and A- in psychology! yes! i did a lot better than i thought i did. but i got an E- in music for one performance because apparently i was singing in a completely different key to what i was playing on my guitar (probably caused my them nerves), but my teacher also said that i kept perfect tone and pitch throughout the entire song despite the fact i was playing guitar in a different key, and if i was playing in the same key i was singing i'd get an A+, but she gave me an E-, that i don't think i deserve. she also said that it's a "rare" talent to be able to do that without training, yet i was literally 2 marks from failing.

i got a new phone case yesterday...POKEMON!

i've been sick all week with no voice. i had a sore throat on thursday and friday, it went to my head on saturday and sunday, and on monday i felt perfectly fine...until i started talking and nothing came out! i still don't have a voice and it's been 6 days. i went to the doctor on wednesday and he said i have chronic laryngitis, and it won't last longer than a week. so i'm expecting to wake up tomorrow with a voice. i've never lost my voice like this before. the first time i ever lost my voice was at the beginning of this year, and it was barely for a day. weird.

but i'm so glad it's holidays! and i'm most exited for next friday, because my family go to thailand for 12 days and i'm not going! and i'm seeing les miserables at her majesty's theater on july 9! so exited! 

nightmares.

for as long as i can remember i've basically only had nightmares. my subconscious seems to think it's fun to terrorize me in my sleep, making me despise half the people in my life because of how they were involved in these nightmares.

i have 3 recurring nightmares. the first i'm in a basement with 2 other girls, and there's these nuns that check on us all the time, but we have to be sleeping or they'll attack us. so every time we hear someone come down the stairs we lie on the floor, because there's no furniture. the second i'm in england (weird because i live in australia), but i have this massive gun, and there's all these people that i know and i just shoot them. i think i've killed everyone that i could possible think of by now. the third i had last night, it's kind of the same as the first one, but i'm at my home, and these people come to our house, but i have to hide. my dad always lets them in. for some reason the dreams have made me despise my dad.

i often wonder whether this is caused by my schizo brain or something. i'm terrified during my dreams, but when i wake up, even after shooting and killing those close to me, i just don't care.

i remember when i was really young, i'd always have this dream that i was with the wiggles, and there was this massive hairy monster that was chasing us, and we were in some mario brothers setting, really weird, but i was sort of obsessed with the wiggles back in the day.

idiot teachers.

so i seem to have had a really bad day today. first period i had legal studies and i had an outcome, which went really well, but we got our marks back from the last outcome and i got 40%! which means a re-submission is required. i failed because of lack of detail. it was expected, so it wasn't that bad, but i've redone it and i'm going to hand it in as a draft tomorrow just to be on the safe side. but my teacher kept me in for the entire recess, which sucked because i didn't get to eat so i had to resort to eating in math class in period 2.

then period 3 came along...i had religion & society. my teacher is a priest who is probably the least priest-like person you'll ever meet. he's rude and constantly tell me and my 2 friends in that class that he hates us. so i had an outcome due today in r&s, it was on personal religious experience (something that i'm very passionate about) and it came out to be 4,398 words...yup. my teacher didn't accept this. i've cut it down to 1,850 words, but i can't do anything more than that, but my teacher won't accept that either. on the criteria sheet it said minimum 1,200 words, but kids in my class were doing 1,300 words and he was still saying that it was too much. HE DIDN'T FREAKING SPECIFY ANY MAXIMUM WORD LIMIT HOW WAS I MEANT TO KNOW?! he's basically asking for exactly 1,200 words. i can't possibly do that, so i've just re-submitted it as 1,850 words. i literally tried so hard and put so much effort into that, and then i'm told i have to remove 1/3 of it. his reason for not wanting more than 1,200 words was because he can't be bothered reading them all. YOU'RE A TEACHER IT'S YOUR JOB!!! but apparently he's a taxi driver on the weekends too...and an ex-cia member...priest, teacher, taxi driver, cia...hmm

so basically today i failed one outcome because of too little detail, and i failed another because of too much detail. my r&s teacher is a little idiot.

earliest memory?

i've been researching, and everything says that you can't develop a long-term memory before the age of 3. but i can remember from 18 months, when my brother was born. i remember standing at my mum's hospital bed, and she gave me a new baby doll, and i was feeding it with a bottle. my 2 aunts and nan were also there.

i have 4 memories before i turned 3. the first one was when my brother was born, the second one was a computer screensaver which was a monkey, the third one was taking my aunt to the airport when she moved to england, and the fourth one was when we were on a holiday in yarrawonga and i was decorating and holding up a poster that said "we miss you julie! [my aunt]" and getting my photo taken with it to send to her in england.

but i've also heard that you don't remember things from that original time, but when you remember something, you're remembering the last time you remembered that thing. so was that just something i thought about often?