i cut off my hair?!

hello people of the internet! so basically this morning i had an anxiety attack, but it was worse than usual...it turned into some psychotic breakdown, ripped out some [a lot] of my hair and yeah, we needed to fix it up. so my mum's friend, who is amazing, fit me in and she fixed my hair up, it's super short, but i love it. i still have a bald patch, but i can cover it.

it looks almost the same as it did from the front because i always tied my hair back, but it feels amazing lol.

nightmares.

for as long as i can remember i've basically only had nightmares. my subconscious seems to think it's fun to terrorize me in my sleep, making me despise half the people in my life because of how they were involved in these nightmares.

i have 3 recurring nightmares. the first i'm in a basement with 2 other girls, and there's these nuns that check on us all the time, but we have to be sleeping or they'll attack us. so every time we hear someone come down the stairs we lie on the floor, because there's no furniture. the second i'm in england (weird because i live in australia), but i have this massive gun, and there's all these people that i know and i just shoot them. i think i've killed everyone that i could possible think of by now. the third i had last night, it's kind of the same as the first one, but i'm at my home, and these people come to our house, but i have to hide. my dad always lets them in. for some reason the dreams have made me despise my dad.

i often wonder whether this is caused by my schizo brain or something. i'm terrified during my dreams, but when i wake up, even after shooting and killing those close to me, i just don't care.

i remember when i was really young, i'd always have this dream that i was with the wiggles, and there was this massive hairy monster that was chasing us, and we were in some mario brothers setting, really weird, but i was sort of obsessed with the wiggles back in the day.

homicidal & suicidal thoughts

probably all my life i've been experiencing homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i've attempted suicide too many times, and I'm constantly restraining myself with all the energy i have to not commit homicide. my psychiatrist found out about this a few years ago, but i've since told him that those thoughts are gone, but they're not, they're just getting stronger, but if he knew, he'd have to increase my anti-psychosis medication, and that stuff makes me feel like crap.

i feel terrible. i picture in my head what it'll be like once i actually kill someone. i'm not sure, but i feel like it may happen one day. i'm going to get to the point where i'm too tired to stop myself, and i'm just going to do it. and then my whole life will be over.

there have been times where i've hit people, and tried to hurt them. but that's as far as i've ever gone.

i'm not even sure it's really me. it's ghoe. it's always ghoe. i don't do these things. i watch them happen. if someone could please get rid of him, that'd be great!

these thoughts terrify me, but i don't want to tell anyone. so i guess i'll just post it on the internet...

i can't use the shift key

first posts are awkward. like. i don't know what to write, and then i begin rambling. i'm first going to start of with: i have no idea how to use this site. i've been using tumblr for around two years, and i'd create a new blog whenever i really felt like it. i've probably had around ten tumblr blogs since i started using the site. but i decided i need something new. tumblr is full of photos of people with no clothes on anyway, no matter who you follow.

so i have aspergers syndrome. i was diagnosed in may 2011, when i was thirteen and a half years old. it all came to be when i attempted suicide (not my first, and not my last) and people found out, the school found out, they told my parents, they forced my parents to take me to a psychiatrist. i went to this psychiatrist a few times before he told me that i have aspergers. i didn't really know what it was, i knew there was this guy at my school with it and he and i were nothing alike, i didn't think we had the same thing. but then he told me aspergers in males affect their behavior more, and girls their mental processes. but some characteristics are often seen in both girls and boys. so i guess there's a completely different diagnostic criteria for boys and girls. i was also diagnosed with undifferentiated psychosis and undifferentiated neurosis, because i have a habit of hallucinating, delusions, being sad, being obsessive, being hyperactive, and having intense mood swings that make me both suicidal and homicidal. 

eventually i was being set up for disability care, teacher aids in school, and all my teachers started treating me differently. some got meaner, some got nicer, some avoided me more, and some treated me like i always need help with the work. which i did, but i never got that help in the past.

i'm still seeing the same doctor that diagnosed me. i liked it at first, but now walking into that hospital is like hell. because i just know how the next hour is going to go: i tell him how my past couple weeks have been since i've seen him, talk about how i suck at school and how i have so many ambitions but the victorian school system is pure crap so it's so much harder to live up to those ambitions, and then the hour is over.

i was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder and depression when i was eight years in april 2006 after basically panicking and depressing myself into an almost-dead stage. i was in hospital for about a week being pumped with electrolytes, iv nutrients, antibiotics, and also had a ng tube down my throat. i still have anxiety and panic attacks everyday, and i'm still extremely depressed.

so that's my diagnosis story. have a nice day :)