coexist.

it's crazy how we all live in societies and praise gods and leaders that teach love and acceptance, and things like this continue to happen everyday all around the world. christians, muslims, jews: we were all one religion at some point, we all still praise the god of abraham, the only difference is that we chose to follow a different person to teach us about our god. we all live in one planet, we all desire one thing: to live a good life and be with our creator after our time here is over. i don't understand why things like this happen. it makes me so angry. are these people so invested in satan that they want to make their and everyone's lives miserable? are they forced to do this by a single evil body? these people don't deserve their freedom of movement, they deserve to be locked up in a prison cell for the rest of their lives. and when i say life, i actually mean until the day they die, not the 20-25 years that is considered "life" in australia. the people that have died in the last day from the situation in sydney, someone in there could have been someone who one day will change the world, ended all of this. i don't even know what to say anymore, this whole thing makes zero sense at all. i can only conclude with that some people are idiots and this picture my mum shared on facebook :)

i cut off my hair?!

hello people of the internet! so basically this morning i had an anxiety attack, but it was worse than usual...it turned into some psychotic breakdown, ripped out some [a lot] of my hair and yeah, we needed to fix it up. so my mum's friend, who is amazing, fit me in and she fixed my hair up, it's super short, but i love it. i still have a bald patch, but i can cover it.

it looks almost the same as it did from the front because i always tied my hair back, but it feels amazing lol.

the sims 4

the wait is almost over! on september 4, i will be the proud owner of the sims 4 collector's edition! i know in north america it's released on september 2, but technically it's only one day when you consider time zones. but i'm so exited!

there's been heaps of crap being talked about the fact that there will be no pools, no toddlers, and loading screens between places, but honestly, it's not bothering me, i've waited for this game for over a year, and i've been obsessed with the whole "franchise" forever. 

a few days ago, i had a problem. the system requirements for the sims 4 were released...and oh crap. in my mind, i thought they had released the minimum system requirements and my computer didn't meet those requirements - i'd already paid for the game and everything - but after a few days of sheer panic and frustration, i worked everything out, and my computer meets the system requirements! even a computer less powerful than mine will be able to handle the game, so i'm just ecstatic!

i downloaded the create a sim demo when it was released, and i've made many sims. i've even created the whole house m.d. cast from season 1-8 (i'm obsessed with house, i watch it almost everyday - seen every episode at lease 2-3 times). i also created myself, who will be the sim that i play the game with.

i might do something with the sims 4, put some of my game online or something...idk. i'll do something. in the sims 3, i've been playing one game for the past 3 years and have 11 generations, if i'm going to do the same for the sims 4 i think i want to show you guys!

i'm so excited for this!!!! it just looks so amazing!  

goodbye holidays.

the winter holidays have finished so fast. this sucks. my parents and brothers have been in thailand, while i decided to stay home, so i'm living with my nan...fun. she's generally cool, but extremely annoying. first of all she drags me around to all her little commitments. today's the first day in 6 days where i've actually been home, for the past 6 days i've literally been out from 11 AM to midnight. my holidays are WASTED. last week she crashed into my dad's car, which is always fun, and yesterday i had to go to the hospital for an appointment and the hospital is in parkville, it took 90 minutes to get there (usually takes an hour), because she didn't trust her GPS. then after the appointment it literally took 5 hours to get from parkville to carlton, when it should take 15 minutes at the most. i swear she has alzheimer's because she was saying that we've only been in the car for 10 minutes for the whole 5 hours, and she was literally driving in circles, claiming that she's never been on that street for 5 hours straight. then it took another 2 hours to get home because we were caught in the dead middle of peak hour traffic.

i have school on monday, which i'm dreading. i've literally been doing homework all holidays, i'm actually doing homework right now (apart from writing this). holidays are meant to be a break from school, but i seriously do just as much work, not to mention daymap (student portal thing) never works on weekends or holidays, even though people need it more on the weekends and holidays. so i'm not sure if i'm finished all my homework since i wasn't at school on the last day.

i just can't wait to leave school. 15 more months and i'm freeeeeee!

holidays!

it's finally winter holidays! the past few weeks have been so slow with exams 3 weeks ago, and then just waiting for these dang holidays after exams. i got my report back and i've averaged A in english lanugage, B- in maths, A+ in religion & society, B in legal studies, B in music performance, and A- in psychology! yes! i did a lot better than i thought i did. but i got an E- in music for one performance because apparently i was singing in a completely different key to what i was playing on my guitar (probably caused my them nerves), but my teacher also said that i kept perfect tone and pitch throughout the entire song despite the fact i was playing guitar in a different key, and if i was playing in the same key i was singing i'd get an A+, but she gave me an E-, that i don't think i deserve. she also said that it's a "rare" talent to be able to do that without training, yet i was literally 2 marks from failing.

i got a new phone case yesterday...POKEMON!

i've been sick all week with no voice. i had a sore throat on thursday and friday, it went to my head on saturday and sunday, and on monday i felt perfectly fine...until i started talking and nothing came out! i still don't have a voice and it's been 6 days. i went to the doctor on wednesday and he said i have chronic laryngitis, and it won't last longer than a week. so i'm expecting to wake up tomorrow with a voice. i've never lost my voice like this before. the first time i ever lost my voice was at the beginning of this year, and it was barely for a day. weird.

but i'm so glad it's holidays! and i'm most exited for next friday, because my family go to thailand for 12 days and i'm not going! and i'm seeing les miserables at her majesty's theater on july 9! so exited! 

nightmares.

for as long as i can remember i've basically only had nightmares. my subconscious seems to think it's fun to terrorize me in my sleep, making me despise half the people in my life because of how they were involved in these nightmares.

i have 3 recurring nightmares. the first i'm in a basement with 2 other girls, and there's these nuns that check on us all the time, but we have to be sleeping or they'll attack us. so every time we hear someone come down the stairs we lie on the floor, because there's no furniture. the second i'm in england (weird because i live in australia), but i have this massive gun, and there's all these people that i know and i just shoot them. i think i've killed everyone that i could possible think of by now. the third i had last night, it's kind of the same as the first one, but i'm at my home, and these people come to our house, but i have to hide. my dad always lets them in. for some reason the dreams have made me despise my dad.

i often wonder whether this is caused by my schizo brain or something. i'm terrified during my dreams, but when i wake up, even after shooting and killing those close to me, i just don't care.

i remember when i was really young, i'd always have this dream that i was with the wiggles, and there was this massive hairy monster that was chasing us, and we were in some mario brothers setting, really weird, but i was sort of obsessed with the wiggles back in the day.

idiot teachers.

so i seem to have had a really bad day today. first period i had legal studies and i had an outcome, which went really well, but we got our marks back from the last outcome and i got 40%! which means a re-submission is required. i failed because of lack of detail. it was expected, so it wasn't that bad, but i've redone it and i'm going to hand it in as a draft tomorrow just to be on the safe side. but my teacher kept me in for the entire recess, which sucked because i didn't get to eat so i had to resort to eating in math class in period 2.

then period 3 came along...i had religion & society. my teacher is a priest who is probably the least priest-like person you'll ever meet. he's rude and constantly tell me and my 2 friends in that class that he hates us. so i had an outcome due today in r&s, it was on personal religious experience (something that i'm very passionate about) and it came out to be 4,398 words...yup. my teacher didn't accept this. i've cut it down to 1,850 words, but i can't do anything more than that, but my teacher won't accept that either. on the criteria sheet it said minimum 1,200 words, but kids in my class were doing 1,300 words and he was still saying that it was too much. HE DIDN'T FREAKING SPECIFY ANY MAXIMUM WORD LIMIT HOW WAS I MEANT TO KNOW?! he's basically asking for exactly 1,200 words. i can't possibly do that, so i've just re-submitted it as 1,850 words. i literally tried so hard and put so much effort into that, and then i'm told i have to remove 1/3 of it. his reason for not wanting more than 1,200 words was because he can't be bothered reading them all. YOU'RE A TEACHER IT'S YOUR JOB!!! but apparently he's a taxi driver on the weekends too...and an ex-cia member...priest, teacher, taxi driver, cia...hmm

so basically today i failed one outcome because of too little detail, and i failed another because of too much detail. my r&s teacher is a little idiot.

earliest memory?

i've been researching, and everything says that you can't develop a long-term memory before the age of 3. but i can remember from 18 months, when my brother was born. i remember standing at my mum's hospital bed, and she gave me a new baby doll, and i was feeding it with a bottle. my 2 aunts and nan were also there.

i have 4 memories before i turned 3. the first one was when my brother was born, the second one was a computer screensaver which was a monkey, the third one was taking my aunt to the airport when she moved to england, and the fourth one was when we were on a holiday in yarrawonga and i was decorating and holding up a poster that said "we miss you julie! [my aunt]" and getting my photo taken with it to send to her in england.

but i've also heard that you don't remember things from that original time, but when you remember something, you're remembering the last time you remembered that thing. so was that just something i thought about often?

trust issues.

i've always had trust issues. i've never really become "attached" to another person. i don't honestly consider people friends. i don't think any of my "friends" like me, they probably don't - better safe than sorry. i'd rather sit in my bedroom alone all day instead of going to the movies with people, because i know i'll just be a burden. i know i annoy everyone, and i know i can't help it. i'd never trust somebody to keep a secret. i'd never trust somebody to not talk about me behind my back.

i wonder if i'll ever find a person who i can actually call a friend?

i can't be bothered

so lately i just can't be bothered. and by lately, i mean in the past year. the only difference is that i have to put effort into school this year, last year i barely tried, barely did my homework. i even failed english both semesters. i have a homework/study schedule, but i decided not to do anything tonight, because there wasn't anything urgent, and i only had a few hours of sleep last night because i was trying to chase a dang mouse out of my room until 1 am (we're infested!), and then i lay in my bed all night being all paranoid and "seeing" mice everywhere. i even saw them in mid-air at time...stupid brain!

my family are annoying the crap out of me, as always. we're always fighting. and my brothers are literally the most annoying little idiots to walk the planet that won't leave me alone even if i hit a plate across their head (that actually happened once). i feel like i'm just not happy.

but what is making me happy is that my aunt/god mother had a baby! i have a new little cousin, this would be my 6th cousin on my mum's side (we don't really see my dad's side). my mum's family are very, very close. we see each other almost everyday, and always on the weekends for lunch and dinner. my cousins are like my siblings, but i actually like them because they're all 7-16 years younger than me, so basically they view me as an adult. they also play nice so when i babysit them, i'll let them stay up late. haha!!!

living my life better

so the other day i quit my job. i had a part-time job at some small, family owned grocery store as a cashieer. it was kinda terrible. mainly because of all the people i had to deal with, it just made me feel so unsafe! so i worked up the nerve to tell my parents (after i quit).

i've never really felt so relieved, like, ever. now i can focus on school.