i've been researching, and everything says that you can't develop a long-term memory before the age of 3. but i can remember from 18 months, when my brother was born. i remember standing at my mum's hospital bed, and she gave me a new baby doll, and i was feeding it with a bottle. my 2 aunts and nan were also there.
i have 4 memories before i turned 3. the first one was when my brother was born, the second one was a computer screensaver which was a monkey, the third one was taking my aunt to the airport when she moved to england, and the fourth one was when we were on a holiday in yarrawonga and i was decorating and holding up a poster that said "we miss you julie! [my aunt]" and getting my photo taken with it to send to her in england.
but i've also heard that you don't remember things from that original time, but when you remember something, you're remembering the last time you remembered that thing. so was that just something i thought about often?
on 17.5.14
i've always had trust issues. i've never really become "attached" to another person. i don't honestly consider people friends. i don't think any of my "friends" like me, they probably don't - better safe than sorry. i'd rather sit in my bedroom alone all day instead of going to the movies with people, because i know i'll just be a burden. i know i annoy everyone, and i know i can't help it. i'd never trust somebody to keep a secret. i'd never trust somebody to not talk about me behind my back.
i wonder if i'll ever find a person who i can actually call a friend?
i wonder if i'll ever find a person who i can actually call a friend?
on 29.4.14
so lately i just can't be bothered. and by lately, i mean in the past year. the only difference is that i have to put effort into school this year, last year i barely tried, barely did my homework. i even failed english both semesters. i have a homework/study schedule, but i decided not to do anything tonight, because there wasn't anything urgent, and i only had a few hours of sleep last night because i was trying to chase a dang mouse out of my room until 1 am (we're infested!), and then i lay in my bed all night being all paranoid and "seeing" mice everywhere. i even saw them in mid-air at time...stupid brain!
my family are annoying the crap out of me, as always. we're always fighting. and my brothers are literally the most annoying little idiots to walk the planet that won't leave me alone even if i hit a plate across their head (that actually happened once). i feel like i'm just not happy.
but what is making me happy is that my aunt/god mother had a baby! i have a new little cousin, this would be my 6th cousin on my mum's side (we don't really see my dad's side). my mum's family are very, very close. we see each other almost everyday, and always on the weekends for lunch and dinner. my cousins are like my siblings, but i actually like them because they're all 7-16 years younger than me, so basically they view me as an adult. they also play nice so when i babysit them, i'll let them stay up late. haha!!!
my family are annoying the crap out of me, as always. we're always fighting. and my brothers are literally the most annoying little idiots to walk the planet that won't leave me alone even if i hit a plate across their head (that actually happened once). i feel like i'm just not happy.
but what is making me happy is that my aunt/god mother had a baby! i have a new little cousin, this would be my 6th cousin on my mum's side (we don't really see my dad's side). my mum's family are very, very close. we see each other almost everyday, and always on the weekends for lunch and dinner. my cousins are like my siblings, but i actually like them because they're all 7-16 years younger than me, so basically they view me as an adult. they also play nice so when i babysit them, i'll let them stay up late. haha!!!
on 21.4.14
so i'm going back to school tomorrow after autumn break. the problem is...i barely got a holiday. i literally spent the majority of everyday doing homework. i can't seem to understand why we spend 7-8 hours a day at a school doing school work, then our teachers give us 3-4 hours of homework to do that night, and 10 hours of homework over the weekend, and at least 3 hours per day of homework to do on the holidays. ihe holidays are meant to be a break from homework and school work, yet we do just as much!!!
on 17.4.14
probably all my life i've been experiencing homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i've attempted suicide too many times, and I'm constantly restraining myself with all the energy i have to not commit homicide. my psychiatrist found out about this a few years ago, but i've since told him that those thoughts are gone, but they're not, they're just getting stronger, but if he knew, he'd have to increase my anti-psychosis medication, and that stuff makes me feel like crap.
i feel terrible. i picture in my head what it'll be like once i actually kill someone. i'm not sure, but i feel like it may happen one day. i'm going to get to the point where i'm too tired to stop myself, and i'm just going to do it. and then my whole life will be over.
there have been times where i've hit people, and tried to hurt them. but that's as far as i've ever gone.
i'm not even sure it's really me. it's ghoe. it's always ghoe. i don't do these things. i watch them happen. if someone could please get rid of him, that'd be great!
these thoughts terrify me, but i don't want to tell anyone. so i guess i'll just post it on the internet...
i feel terrible. i picture in my head what it'll be like once i actually kill someone. i'm not sure, but i feel like it may happen one day. i'm going to get to the point where i'm too tired to stop myself, and i'm just going to do it. and then my whole life will be over.
there have been times where i've hit people, and tried to hurt them. but that's as far as i've ever gone.
i'm not even sure it's really me. it's ghoe. it's always ghoe. i don't do these things. i watch them happen. if someone could please get rid of him, that'd be great!
these thoughts terrify me, but i don't want to tell anyone. so i guess i'll just post it on the internet...
on 24.3.14
this is a topic i've thought about a lot. when people find out i have aspergers, or even just hear the word. the assume i don't feel empathy or sympathy. this may be the case for some people, but honestly, i just don't know how to express empathy and sympathy in words and actions.
for example:
when my great nanna passed and my parents told me. i kinda said a really fake "aww". i was devastated, and i wasn't in shock because we'd all been preparing for it for around a year (she had ovarian cancer). i didn't really cry either, i have no idea why.
for example:
when my great nanna passed and my parents told me. i kinda said a really fake "aww". i was devastated, and i wasn't in shock because we'd all been preparing for it for around a year (she had ovarian cancer). i didn't really cry either, i have no idea why.
so, quick post before i go to school.
i have this necklace of saint dymphna, she's the patron saint of those with mental illness (and i seem to have a bit of that). i always take it off at night because it bothers be when i lay down, and in the morning i [usually] put it back on.
there have been a few odd occasions where i've forgotten to put it on. when i have panic or anxiety attacks,
or i feel like i'm about to go into a [psychotic] fit, i'll hold the necklace and pray to her. but when i don't wear the necklace, it's terrible. i feel almost like i'm going to die.
most people i talk to think i'm just obsessive and i'm having another panic attack because i'm not wearing something that i always wear. but i believe it's her and the lord comforting me.
i've been struggling with faith for over a year now, though i haven't stopped fully believing, it sucks. but there are just little things that give me just a little more proof that christ is standing right next to me.
i have this necklace of saint dymphna, she's the patron saint of those with mental illness (and i seem to have a bit of that). i always take it off at night because it bothers be when i lay down, and in the morning i [usually] put it back on.
 |
| awkward photo of me because i don't [usually] take photos of me! |
there have been a few odd occasions where i've forgotten to put it on. when i have panic or anxiety attacks,
or i feel like i'm about to go into a [psychotic] fit, i'll hold the necklace and pray to her. but when i don't wear the necklace, it's terrible. i feel almost like i'm going to die.
most people i talk to think i'm just obsessive and i'm having another panic attack because i'm not wearing something that i always wear. but i believe it's her and the lord comforting me.
i've been struggling with faith for over a year now, though i haven't stopped fully believing, it sucks. but there are just little things that give me just a little more proof that christ is standing right next to me.
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